About The Delray Beach Eating Disorders Meetup

I am Suzanne and it has taken me 27 years to nd share my story. For years, I felt I had no story, and certainly not one worthy of telling. I have always struggled with my self image and have been driven internally by my desire for perfection. There has always been a constant struggle in my head, between who I am, and who I want to be.

Many of you share or have shared this struggle? For most people , such aspirations are what motivates a human being to grow. For me this motivation to change, and the need to reinvent myself became life threatening. I felt my existence was so menial to the world that I was willing to go to any lengths to change, even by killing myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

However I was not championed on by this on my own. There was a voice in my head; today I know that voice to have been that of who I thought was my best friend ED (my eating disorder voice). It was Ed?s voice that controlled all the conversations, it was Ed?s voice that dictated what could be said and not said, it was Ed that had strict zero tolerance rules , and while he claimed to do it all out of love, he was actually the enforcer ,the abuser and worked feverently to insure he remained in control.

I wish I could share my childhood and teenage memories with you, but the truth is when you are in the grips of an eating disorder, there is no time for memories, for laughter, for friends, for enjoyment, to celebrate accomplishments, to share or express feelings, and there is no sense of self or self love. Ed (my eating disorder) took that all away from me along with years of my life. In return what he did batter into me was constant self criticism, loss of self esteem and unrelenting quest perfectionism. He surrounded me with it every turn I made.

If Ed were here before you today he would have introduced me to you as A meager 5?5, which is a far cry from a statuesque 5?7, He would have said Suzanne is not bright enough, not smart enough, not kind enough and certainly not worthy enough to stand before you today. Ed would have told you that I was a bad and evil girl, that I deserved nothing including the basics of all human needs the right to eat.

Ed didn?t allow me to go out with friends; he made me feel alone in a room full of people. He created much chaos within my family; he made me many promises of perfection and success, only to pull it away with great gusto and pride at his control. Had he known there was but a bubble of air, a faint whisper in my head that became my life line to recovery, he would have suffocated it without remorse. I thank god today, for that pocket of air, the little flicker of flame that was soon to be my voice that remained hidden but was still holding on. This lifeline carried me for one more moment, which became one more hour, to one more day, to many more years and throughout my recovery.

I wish I could explain for you what life is like with an eating disorder, but the truth is from the outside looking in you cannot understand it and from the inside looking out you cannot explain it. Many seem to think that anorexia, bulimia, is a condition brought on by extreme vanity, and choice., Many believe that those of us suffering from such a disorder are superficial, egotistical, narcissistic and empty of any genuine principles. These diseases are anything but that.

It is important that I say here, that I did not choose to have an eating disorder, no one does. While we know that eating disorders can be triggered due to environmental, emotional and chemical factors, today we know learning that eating disorders can also be genetic.


The truth is I would be willing to bet that we all have a bit of Ed in us?.the little voice that says, you just need to lose a few more pounds, or the voice that tells you that you are incapable of doing something, the negative tape that plays in each of our minds that robs us from our moments of enjoyment, our passions and our authentic self. Aimee Lui author of Solitaire says it best in our quest for perfection she says ?? Instead of protesting fashions ludicrous insistence that grown women wear a size 4, we will shrink ourselves to a size o. Instead of challenging a belligerent spouse, we will silence ourselves, Instead of confronting a boss who abuses us; we sacrifice our personal lives to prove that we can take any amount of punishment. Unfortunately, with all that, perfection still seems to be elusive. What perfection requires us to prove is impossible? No one is perfect and everyone has their limits. What kills us will not make us stronger, prettier or brighter or more lovable. However a sense of purpose, connection and perspective and sense of self can and will.?

I can honestly say I don?t remember the day I turned to Ed. I do know that what he initially proposed as bringing to my life, he robbed from my life. What did leave an imprint on my mind was the day I knew I had to turn away from Ed

I now use this stage to share my voice and validate that I do have a story to share and an opportunity to finally with honesty and vulnerability stand before you and say that I am a work in progress ? not perfect and that perfection is no longer my goal.

Today, you will not be hearing from Ed, I can tell you with confidence that the flicker that is my voice has become a roaring fire. It is my voice that speaks to you today, and that while Ed continues to look for any opportunity to insert himself, he is now the one searching for a life line. Gone are the days of him enforcing me to periods of isolation, or the fears he would put in my head to obsess over the numbers, ED has lost his right to silence the muscle in my voice to express my feelings and emotions and to address conflict. He can no longer direct his energy into controlling and minimizing my appetite and his rules no longer leave an odd distance between me and the people I love and people I meet. The invisible barrier, he use to say would protect me has been shattered and so is the secret that I carried with me for so long.

Today , at this moment, I introduce you to Suzanne who is proud to have made it to 40 years old and has spent the last 20 years recovering from an eating disorder. I am healthy. I have a great sense of humor. I have a sense of purpose. I am sensitive and kind. I take pride in myself, and I am actively pursuing my passions of being a life coach specializing in eating disorders. I am no longer scared to fail, I cry, I laugh, I feel sad and at times I express anger . I have boundaries that are in keeping with my moral compass. I have become a friend that a friend would love to have, I stand before you today able to show my vulnerability and strength, and I work every day to be true to the values of my authentic self.

I have good friends that support me, some of whom are here tonight. I have a strong family system. I know now that I cannot be the world to everybody, but to one body I may be the world. I can laugh at myself; my value is no longer dictated by a number on the scale. I stand before you to show you that recovery really is possible, but it takes hard work that never allows you a moments rest? Recovery takes work to develop new patterns of eating, thinking, feeling, behaving, and living and the lesson is learned in knowing that recovery is not about the food it is about the feelings.

Thank you for the opportunity to share to my story.