For those close to us on the road to recovery, also sent in email

Regarding;
I wanted to ask everyone in the group how other people have inspired them to break their eating disorder habit and how people have actually encouraged the habit or caused it to worsen.

Thank you everyone for your responses. The people close to those suffering from an eating disorder can make a huge difference in that persons? condition for better or worse. Mostly the responses focused on the fact that people that have others surrounding them that encourage the condition can be just as bad as having people around you with good intentions, encouraging recovery, but without the knowledge of how to approach the subject. To combat this obstruction to recovery I have put together a ?manual? for those that surround the lives of people with eating disorders for an amazing resource at http://www.somethingf.... I would also suggest that if you are near those that encourage the condition, negative influences, that you try to distance yourself from them as much as possible. A person that is that large of a negative influence is not working in your best interest. Eating disorders are deadly conditions. This is not a scare tactic, only the truth. In regards to future interactions, I will be taking all of the members through different topics of recovery in bi-weekly emails. I look forwards to future meet-ups and communication.

------- On the Road to Recovery, information for friends and family -------

You cannot force an Anorexic to eat, keep a bulimic from purging, or make a Compulsive Overeater stop overeating. The first thing to realize once you have come to the awareness that your loved-one suffers from an Eating Disorder, is that you must not concentrate immediately on the food. All forms of Eating Disorders are emotionally based and the behaviors are only a symptom to emotional and stress related problems. As said many times on this site, disordered eating is an attempt to control, hide, stuff, avoid and forget emotional pain, stress and/or self-hate.

You can support and encourage your loved one, and gently express concern, and the best thing you can do is to learn to attentively listen.

In most cases it will be important for each sufferer to find a mode of recovery that will work for them. One-on-one therapy, support groups, clinics, in-patient or out-patient, art therapy, church groups, a combination of any, or none of the above but something completely different ... there are many options out there. Be encouraging -- there can be a lot of road blocks in searching for Eating Disorder recovery so be reassuring that recovery is possible! Be there to listen and communicate.

Keep in mind there isn't a lot you can do overall, as an "outsider" to a close family member or friend suffering from an Eating Disorder. It is up to the individual suffering to decide they are ready to deal with the emotional issues in their life that have lead them to their Eating Disorder. They need to make a choice for recovery and to want to do the work to get there. There is no one in their lives that can make this choice for them, they must want to do it for themselves.

A list of Things NOT to say;

You look sick/horrible/etc;
There's nothing wrong with approaching a close friend or family member you may be concerned about and saying "you've lost a lot of weight and I'm concerned about you" in a caring way, followed by "I'm here to listen if you want to talk," but any comment that comes across as insulting or an attack will be heard defensively and unproductive for what your original intention may have been

Would you just eat already!"
"I don't understand WHY you don't just eat..."
"You better stay out of the *&%'ing bathroom!"
These are not words of love, but of control. Threatening an Anorexic or Bulimic with "take-over" is not a good idea if you're trying to help. Let's try to keep in mind too, like we said earlier, there is a lot of guilt attached to Eating Disorders, so laying it on thick with statements like these only perpetuates that. If you're close enough, there's nothing wrong with a gentle "Want to have some dinner with me?" or "Talk to me" after a meal, but lets keep the mind games to ourselves.

Why are you doing this to me?"
"Would you look at what you're doing to your boyfriend/husband/wife/kids..."
Again, with these types of questions you are only perpetuating guilt. You're basically saying "why do you make everyone so miserable" and "why do you burden us with all this worry" which is nothing but selfish, and even if not meant selfishly, will only be perceived as a "don't burden us with your problems" or "look at all the trouble you're causing." If you are close to someone with an eating disorder (and you might be if you're reading this) take it as an opportunity for yourself to learn to communicate more clearly, and to be a more understanding individual. Those suffering with an Eating Disorders are not DOING anything to you, but are struggling tremendously themselves, inside.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"You have good things in your life, what's the problem?"
Those with an Eating Disorder do not choose to do this to themselves. There is no conscious choice (in most cases) where a person suffering from an Eating Disorder would prefer that lifestyle as opposed to one filled with self-love and happiness. This is a coping mechanism, a means for dealing with depression, stress and self-hate that has been built up over many years. It is a reflection of how the person suffering feels about themselves inside. Wonderful husbands, kids, supportive friends have little influence (other than sometimes temporarily) in creating the true self-esteem required for permanent recovery, to cope with life positively, and to learn to believe that we deserve good things in life and happiness. These disorders are about the person suffering and how they feel about themselves.


What should you do then?

-You are not a therapist, listen, do not pretend to understand the condition but be honest and caring
-Be positive and encouraging about recovery
-Learn, research everything you can about the condition
-Do not be the food police, talking about food and weight is threatening and rude

Other resources for family and friends;
http://www.somethingf...